“Mom, I think I’m gay.”
Words I didn’t expect to hear as I sat on my bed with my daughter, trying to make sense of what I had discovered on her phone.
“Honey, it’s okay. You’re not gay. You’re just sorting through a lot of pre-teen thoughts and feelings.”
Dismissal was my response in that moment. My husband and I would take steps to limit the phone usage, hoping this would help. It did for a season, but another confession would come a couple years later.
“Mom, I think I’m gay.”
This time I would listen a little more than I had before, asking why she thought this. She’d tearfully share the internal wrestle she was having. We knew something was going on, but we didn’t know exactly what. Her coach had discovered signs of cutting and told us, and her mentor from youth group had also emphatically told our daughter she had to talk to us, saying, “If you don’t, I will!”
So there we were once again, sitting in our bedroom having a talk I never thought I’d have with my child. There had been more unhealthy connections online. More secret wrestlings within that could no longer be dismissed. It was time to do something.
Looking for answers from anywhere.
I reached out to a friend. She gave me the name of a book, which I immediately got my hands on. As I devoured the content, I wept. This woman’s candid story was infusing hope where hopelessness was beginning to settle.
So I decided to read the book with my daughter, hoping this would address the internal struggle and fix the problem. I thought our reading together might spawn some needed conversation between us. Surely our daughter would connect with this woman’s story and be encouraged.
In reality, it only made things worse.
Our daughter hated these times of reading. She viewed it as a punishment, and even at one point referenced it to be conversion therapy. She tearfully confessed she had tried to pray the gay away many times and then said, “I didn’t choose this, Mom.”
Why wouldn’t God answer her prayer? I didn’t understand.
Wanting things to just be different.
I desperately wanted my daughter to know the love and grace of Jesus, as well as the truth of who she is as His child. Yet, there was a bigger reason for reading that book with my daughter, one that I wouldn’t acknowledge at the time but realized much later: I didn’t want her to be gay.
Finally, my daughter would finish the book with me simply out of obedience. She wasn’t one to rebel or buck the system. She would “conform” as she believed we wanted her to, but deep down wounds were festering.
More time would pass and more restrictions would be given on her phone. My prayers were fervent. I pleaded with God to help my girl find peace within.
What was already hard became even harder.
Two years later, my husband and I were in Peru leading a mission trip with thirty young people when we get the call no parent wants to get.
Our daughter had attempted suicide and was in the hospital not doing well.
Time was of the essence. We would drop everything and head to be by her side immediately.
The trip was torture; our minds raced with troubling questions. Was she going to be okay? How did we get here? What did we miss? I thought she was doing better? Why, Lord? For 30 hours of travel, we prayed and pleaded with God for a miracle.
Thankfully, our daughter’s attempt to end her life would be thwarted. She would spend a week in the hospital recovering, and I would spend 5 weeks with her in that small college town while she took steps to get back on her feet again.
Much came out that week while she lay in a hospital bed. She revealed secrets and exposed lies. A lot had happened in our daughter’s first year and half of college; most of which we didn’t know. Over these years I had often internally wondered and questioned if everything was okay, even verbally asked at times. Yet, we remained blind to what was really going on.
A convicting line from To Kill a Mockingbird comes to mind, “People generally see what they look for.” It’s true. Granted, she wasn’t telling us the whole truth, but selective perception is also a real thing. I think somewhere deep down I really wanted everything to be better for our daughter. Maybe if I believed it enough, it would be.
Moving from dismissal to reality.
In a hospital bed, our daughter would come out to us. She no longer was saying, “I think I’m gay.” She spoke clearly, “Mom, I’m gay.” My initial response leaned more to dismissal again, but she would quickly shut that down. No more theological persuasions and antidotes, she simply needed us to hear her.
Another closet, but this one was ours.
The attempted suicide had many layers behind it. It was time she stop hiding. We were grateful to finally be processing things more honestly. Yet it left us feeling quite alone and confused. We would end up going into a “closet” ourselves.
As parents, we knew that we couldn’t “out” our daughter. She was sharing things with her school community and friends but not openly with the world. Honestly, we didn’t know who we could tell even if we felt we could. How would our conservative Christian community respond to our daughter…to us? I began to relate to my daughter in a new way; I too couldn’t handle rejection and lectures. So my husband and I remained silent.
Grabbing hold of an unexpected lifeline.
One lifeline during this time came through our daughter-in-law sending us a reference to look into…a book she recommended would be helpful. This wasn’t like any book I’d ever read. In fact, it was more like a manual on how to love your LGBT+ loved ones from an organization called Posture Shift.
I remember the day it came in the mail. It was huge. I barely got through the cover page when I realized this was not going to be easy for us to read. My husband and I would need to take it in small bites. We’d read several pages out loud together each evening and pray afterwards. This began our pattern for the next six months. Read and pray, read and pray.
For me, there would be lots of tears in between. Tears of sorrow. Tears of conviction. Tears of hope. For years our position on homosexuality had driven our actions and attitudes. It was a sin that needed to be dealt with firmly.
Conviction came and questions arose.
Yet this book was convicting because my daughter wasn’t some problem to be fixed or sin to be eradicated. My daughter was an image bearer of the God I loved. She didn’t need more Bible verses pasted on her walls. She needed real tangible love and acceptance like never before. 1 Corinthians became more real to me than ever. We can have faith that moves mountains, but if we don’t have love then we have nothing.
My husband and I read Guiding Families of LGBT+ Loved Ones from cover to cover. While reading, we prayed through every page, every story shared, and every nugget of insight digested. We pleaded with Jesus to show us how to love in a way that honors Him and helps our daughter walk in her identity as a child of God.
A lot of questions were stirred up upon that first reading. Questions we didn’t have answers for, and questions we weren’t sure who to process with. Again, who could we trust? The few we had told responded kindly, but they didn’t respond with a desire to dive deep with us. Actually the ones who knew rarely mentioned it again to us. Life went on as normal, but in truth it wasn’t the same for us. It never would be.
Finding help outside our current faith community.
Desperate for connection, we joined a reading group with Posture Shift. About ten different families from around the nation would meet online weekly to read and discuss the book we had just prayerfully walked through ourselves. Those two months of meeting were life-giving for us mainly because we finally had someone to talk to. These people understood and listened and shared their journey as well. That group did more for me and my walk with Jesus than my own faith community had in a long time.
Thinking back, it’s strange to even acknowledge that now. Shouldn’t the church be a safe place for families to share real life experiences with? We don’t need more sermons; we need life-giving communities where real experiences can be shared, processed, and lived out with each other. It’s helpful to know people are in your corner, no matter how messy, confusing, or painful that corner is.
Another convicting quote from To Kill a Mockingbird stands out to me, “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view…Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.” As a literature teacher, I teach the importance of empathy to my students, but as a mom, I had failed to demonstrate this when it mattered most.
I received a gift the day my daughter’s attempt to take her life failed. People rarely get do-overs in life, but on that day I did. I’ve been striving to love more like Jesus ever since.
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Hope for your family and church.
At Posture Shift, we are grateful for parents who will vulnerably share like this mother and and father. There are layers to this story and you may have found yourself relating somewhere in the mix. We’d love to hear from you. We’d love to help you. Serving churches, leaders, and families like this is why we exist. Feel free to leave a snippet of your story in the comments, and of course share this story with someone you know needs encouragement.
Order you own copy of Guiding Families of LGBT+ Loved Ones: Revised Fifth Edition. After reading the book, consider joining a reading group. It might be the very thing you need in this season of life.
If you are pastor or ministry leader, please inquire about the training we offer churches and ministries. In our current cultural crisis, it’s time to engage and teach our people how to love like Jesus. Inquire here: Posture Shift Intensive Training.
Amy Fish
Amy Fish is a high school teacher in East Texas, with 25 years of educational experience. As a mom of four grown children, she now gets the joy of spending all her free time with her husband. Together they enjoy plants, thrifting, puzzles, and good movies.
29 Responses
Thank you Amy! We have a lot in common with you and Richard. Your story is powerful and hopeful despite the tears and difficulty of those days. Thank you for sharing this with parents like us. We are grateful for your vulnerability and for the lessons we can glean from too.
Thanks Paul for leaving a comment. We appreciate you taking the time to encourage our team.
I appreciate you saying this Paul. Your words encourage me. Grateful. 😊
Great blog Post very helpful to other parents
Thanks Noah for reading and leaving a comment. We sure hope others are encouraged by this story too. God bless you.
I have read the book and shared it. Does it come in Spanish?
Hey Penny! Thanks for reading the blog. We have an abridged version here: https://store.postureshift.com/product/guiando-familias-la-edicion-esencial/ Hope this helps you. God bless you.
I have 4 grandchildren that are living a gay lifestyle, and one is trans. I am struggling to find ways to relate to them. One of them calls me about once a week. We talk about our lives and don’t get into things very deeply. I am interested in Posture Shift. I really need help in how to love my grandkids but stay in truth.
Hey Retha … thanks for sharing some of your story with us. Please consider getting a copy of Guiding Families here: https://store.postureshift.com/product/guiding-families-of-lgbt-loved-ones-revised-fifth-edition/ This resource is full of great information, stories, and real practical helps in relating to our LGBT+ loved ones. Please reach out if you’d like to explore any of our other resources as well.
I commend you for seeking to love like Jesus, without compromising the truth in God’s Word. It’s a difficult tension to live in the space of accepting, yet not affirming. There is great temptation to capitulate to the present day cultural/secular worldview, especially when it involves our loved ones. Christ’s example shows us God’s heart of compassion, His mercy and grace for all of us sinners, and the sufficiency of His Holy Spirit to minister to us through our brokenness and the thorns in our flesh. The Posture Shift book and reading group, as well as Helping Parents (Grandparents) Love through The Center are highly recommended resources. God bless you and may you love your grandkids well!
Thank you Genene for taking the time to read our blog and leave a thoughtful comment. Thank you as well for the recommendation of Posture Shift’s resources for others. Truly means a lot to all of us here. God bless you.
Thank you for sharing. I can understand your need. You’re not alone. Reading the different stories in Posture Shift’s book: Guiding Families of LGBT+ Loved Ones helped me a lot. My eyes were opened and my heart softened in ways I needed. I’m so glad you have contact with your grandchildren. A grandmother’s love and prayers makes a difference. 😊
Hi Retha, sounds like you want to love your grandkids and you still have connection with them. My own story is that Posture Shift and Guiding Families helped me understand that our child, who is trans, is loved by God, and the best thing we can do, for them and as servants of God, is to love them fully as He does. I recommend getting the book and joining a reading group. God bless. Louise from the UK
Louise we are very glad Posture Shift was able to help you and your family in a time of need. Thank you for your encouragement and sharing some of your story here. God bless you.
Hi,
Me too. Now I prefer to share our family’s story in the present tense. For 6 years we have been delighted to be sharing our family holidays with three gay men at our table who we fully love and embrace : Our son, his husband and our grandson. What happened in between (our bisexual son’s journey from 16-48) is the long winding path my own. One of conviction, questioning, praying and listening to the reoccurring words from Jesus: “Do no harm”. I also decided that if our son was with a woman I would be excited to post photos on FB. This convicted me not to hide but to cautiously begin conversations within my church community. My close friends wrestled with me, some pro. some con. And most, transparent searching hearts and minds. In the end, I personally have learned who I believe the real Jesus is. And I now love differently. My husband, son, friends, and strangers. May your ministry continue to bear much fruit amongst the family of God.
Thank you Joy for sharing with us your story and journey. May you continue to discover His great love and grace and how you show that to others. You are loving your family well. Really appreciate the comment you have left us here.
Posture Shift, then called Lead Them Home, was my lifeline when I asked my 18 year old son if he was gay. He was shocked but we had time to talk and cry together that night. I was very afraid of my husband’s reaction as was my son, so this was our secret for years. Bill Henson listened, answered questions, shared scripture on how to love my son the same as before. He eventually counseled our entire family when Scott chose to come out.
Christian families have an incredibly hard time not judging, not proselytizing, not trying to “ungay” their child who comes out to them. Posture Shift gives those parents hope and courage
Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing with us here. We appreciate you reading the blog and reflecting on your own journey. So glad you and your family found help from Posture Shift. It’s stories like the one posted here and yours that keep us motivated. God bless you.
It is truly like walking a tight rope to love like Jesus without compromising truth. I need His wisdom and strength daily for this journey.
Hey Cindy, thank you for leaving a comment here. We totally understand how you are feeling. Want to encourage you that you have what it takes! The Lord will give you wisdom as you ask for it and He will be with you to give you strength. We are here to help. Please reach. You are not alone!
Thank you for for sharing, Cindy. I so understand and can relate to your need for His wisdom and strength. Keep clinging to Jesus. He is mighty in you.
Hi,
What a difficult road to walk when your daughter tells you that she is trans and legally changes her name. My daughter can never be my son because God made her female. I feel, affirming that she is “he” makes me a liar AND that God made a mistake. My daughter has started her transition 6 yrs ago and is now 28. My heart is broken.
Hi Paula,
I understand that you are heartbroken. I also understand that you, like many parents, so wish and pray that your child was not facing this difficult path. And of course, our team wishes that you and other were not facing this challenge as a parent.
Engaging trans people in an honoring way will build deeper trust in family relationships. Doing so never means or suggests that God made any mistake. As you say, He does not make mistakes.
That said, people still experience gender dysphoria. Or Autism. Or limited mobility. There are a million struggles that we as human beings can experience or suffer through. None of that means God made a mistake. It means that this side of heaven, we will experience both blessing and suffering. It’s a human reality.
As founder of Posture Shift, working with countless parents of trans adult kids, I know there are so many unanswered questions – and so much grief for parents. There are so many decisions that parents wish their adult child was not making.
Personally, I do not believe it is a lie to respectfully engage trans adults based on how they understand and experience their identity. We see many relational and spiritual break-thrus from doing so.
Just know you have our compassion and prayers. Consider Guiding Families: Fifth Edition as a resource. It has tons of guidance for families with trans loved ones. It will encourage and equip you.
If you already have it, wonderful. If not, you can get it at postureshift.com. Our team will be praying for you and your family. If you have any questions, just let us know any time.
Any time you want to chat further, please know you can write [email protected] or schedule Direct Care via Zoom at postureshift.com/care. Praying for God’s comfort. 🙏
Thank you Paula for sharing so honestly here. I feel your pain. Have prayed for you several times since reading your reply. So thankful for the Lord’s promise in Psalm 34:18 to be near when we are brokenhearted. You are not alone. If I can ever be of a help or a listening ear, please reach out.
Powerful. Absolutely an important message we all should hear. We all know someone who shares a similar story… walking a similar path. And as a Christian, it is my joy to love all people with the love of Jesus, trusting him for any transformative work he knows is best. But many hearts are hurting, feeling rejected by those who claim to have Jesus and yet don’t demonstrate his love. This book sounds like a powerful tool. And I pray, dear Amy and Richard, that we have been a safe place for you in this journey, never passing judgment even when we perhaps have questions or wrestle with our own misguided notions. We love you and your precious one so very much! Always!
Thank you, Maureen. You are a safe place. I constantly thank God for you 🥹 This book is an amazing tool that impacted us hugely. I believe all should read it.
Our two youngest daughters got swept up in the trans movement when they went to college. Both chose to have double mastectomies, and the younger one chose to begin taking testosterone two years ago.
We have continued over these ten years to love them as Christ loves us, but they tell us that they have to “compartmentalize” themselves whenever they are with us, and that doing so is very difficult. We do not use male pronouns and do not address our youngest by the name she legally changed hers to.
I grieve the loss of our relationships. I continually pray for God to move in their hearts, minds and lives, and draw them to Himself. I do pray for God to remove the deception from their minds, and I pray for Him to help me to love them well
Elizabeth thanks for reading and sharing your story and journey. If you haven’t read Guiding Families of LGBT+ Loved Ones, we highly recommend that a resource. https://store.postureshift.com/product/guiding-families-of-lgbt-loved-ones-revised-fifth-edition/ AND please consider joining a reading group. Both these resources will help you and your family.