Disowned Then Devastated | A Coming Out Disaster

We met Roshan five weeks ago as he desperately sought urgent assistance. He had just spent the prior two weeks with no shelter after being disowned by his family. At the end of Roshan’s story, we will share more about Posture Shift’s Justice Initiatives Fund. But first, here is Roshan sharing his story in his own words.   

Listen to the audio version.

COMING OUT

My name is Roshan. I am 18 years old and grew up in Nepal. 

I have always known that I am gay. For a long time, I carried this truth inside me because I was afraid of how people would react. I didn’t fully understand how much hatred and stigma existed toward gay people in my village. I thought my family would be the safest place for me.

I eventually reached a point where I couldn’t continue hiding who I was. I didn’t want to live a lie or spend my entire life pretending to be someone else. I believed that if I told my family the truth about who I am, they would at least listen to me because they were my loving family.

I thought home was the one place where I could be honest. I was completely wrong.

When I finally revealed that I was gay, the reaction was far more extreme than anything I had imagined. The people I believed would protect me became the people I grew afraid of.

I didn’t tell my family because I wanted to hurt or shame them. I told them because I desperately wanted to not be alone on the inside with just myself. And I wanted to be accepted for who I am.

Instead, my life fell apart.

MY FAMILY’S REACTION

Upon saying the words “I’m gay,” my father immediately kicked me out of the house.

My elder brother became physically violent toward me. He slapped me so hard that I was terrified. He threatened me, in words I will never forget; “If you want to live, you better run for your life!” He said that if I don’t renounce being gay, that he would “take the gay” out of me.

My mother shattered my heart when she told everyone: “There is no son named Roshan in our family anymore!” She told me I was nobody to them and that, as far as they were concerned, I was dead.

I cannot explain what it feels like to hear your own mother tell you that you are dead to her while you are standing right in front of her.

I had gone to my family hoping for love. Instead, I was told that I was nobody.

My elder brother also exposed me to people in the village. After that, the situation became even worse. People began mocking me, humiliating me, and treating me as though I was disgusting.

I could no longer walk around normally without being afraid of being attacked. The situation became so dangerous that someone even talked about involving the police.

The place that had once been my home no longer felt like a home at all.

Suddenly, home felt like a place I needed to escape from to survive.

HORRIBLE THINGS SAID

The words directed at me were extremely cruel. I was told things like, “We will kill you.” That I was nobody and that nobody wanted me. That I was a disgrace, an unwanted branch of the family, and a worthless person. I was also called a degrading name that means retarded.  

Those words stayed in my head. And that hurts deeply. But the physical violence and threats made the situation much more serious than simply verbal abuse. I began genuinely fearing that my family or someone else in the community might seriously hurt or kill me.

In an instant realization of imminent danger, all my hope that things might improve melted away. I suddenly knew that every moment I remained in my village was like taking a risk with my life. I felt a deep fear rise up in me: they are going to kill me.

I had to run. And I did. I ran for my very life!

I wasn’t running away because I wanted a different life. I wasn’t running away from the family I had always loved. I was running because I was afraid I might not survive if I stayed.

I ran to live.

WITHOUT A HOME

After I was thrown out, I had nowhere to go. For about two weeks, I slept on streets and in abandoned places. I had no change of clothes. I had no shower.  I had almost nothing with me.

I barely ate. There were times when I had to search through rubbish because I was so hungry and had no money for food. I went from a loving home smiling as my mother cooked, to starving in the streets and eating food waste.

I was attempting to survive from one moment to the next.

The first night of homelessness was never something I thought I would ever face. It was so hard. And I was so afraid. I didn’t know where I would sleep that night. I didn’t know where my next meal would come from. And I definitely didn’t know who I could trust.

Eventually, I had no choice. Being so hungry, I began begging on the streets. I would ask people for whatever small amount they were willing to give me. I collected a few coins at a time. Those few coins helped me survive while I sought help. But who would really help me?

ESCAPING NEPAL

I knew I had to get out of Nepal. But I could not make it happen. I was far enough from home to be safe, but I was living on the streets with no shelter or protection. 

I looked online for any help available to LGBT+ people in my situation. I immediately found Posture Shift and asked for help to get somewhere safe. To be honest, I did not expect a reply and I could not wait long.

I realized that I had to immediately leave Nepal and go to India. I believed it was my best chance of getting away from the immediate danger. I crossed into India hoping that I could finally leave the darkest part of my life behind. But leaving Nepal did not immediately mean that I was safe. I arrived in India still homeless and vulnerable, with almost nothing.  

HOMELESS AND AFRAID

Being homeless was terrifying because I quickly learned that there are people who will take advantage of someone who has nowhere to go. I met many different people while I was living on the streets and moving from place to place. Some appeared to offer help, but their intentions were not always good.

I encountered people who tried to sexually exploit me. Some wanted sex in exchange for accommodation or assistance. Others simply saw that I was young, alone, homeless, and vulnerable and believed they could do whatever they wanted to me.

One time, I was so hungry and a guy gave me food. I ate a little and suddenly became sleepy. I immediately threw the food away and tried to overcome drowsiness by running as fast as I could.

To be homeless is to always be in motion. I had to constantly move because I could never know who was safe. The anxiety and fear were exhausting and never-ending.

There was one night that I will never forget.

A man who initially offered me a safe place to sleep quickly became a different person. He tried to sexually assault me while I was sleeping. I realized what was happening and immediately ran away from the place.

I was terrified. 

I didn’t know where to go, but I knew I had to get away. Once more, I ran for my life. That pretty much captures homelessness: constantly on the run from risks and dangers all around me.

That experience made me understand how vulnerable I was. When you are young, homeless, alone, and have no protection, there are people who will try to exploit you because they believe you have no one to defend you. And they are right: there was absolutely no one to protect me.

There were many people who approached me sexually, and I was constantly afraid that someone would rape me or seriously hurt me. I couldn’t simply relax and sleep. Even finding somewhere to close my eyes for the night could be extremely dangerous.

I was constantly moving, constantly watching who was around me, and constantly wondering whether the next person offering help actually wanted to help me.

These were by far the darkest days of my life.

MY MOST DESPERATE MOMENT

Everything about being homeless was frightening and exhausting. But the worst and most desperate moment for me was realizing that there was nowhere I could call home. 

All my life, I had a home. I had a loving family. I played football. I lived in beautiful mountains with incredible valley views. I enjoyed school and helping my family at home. 

But all of my security disappeared in a flash. My entire life vanished before my eyes.

Nepal, my beautiful home country and all I had ever known, was no longer safe for me. My family had rejected me. My village knew about me. Everyone was threatening me. I was homeless. I had almost no money. I had very little food. And getting help was always risky.

I remember feeling like my entire life had been reduced to survival. I was no longer thinking about a career or going to university or even any dreams about my future. I was thinking about where I would sleep at night and whether I would wake up safe and alive the next morning.

There were moments when I wondered whether my life would ever become normal again.

I felt completely alone.

PRAYING TO GOD

During those moments, my prayers became very simple.

“God, please don’t let me die.”

“God, please protect me.”

“Please give me somewhere safe to sleep.”

“Please send someone to help me.”

“Please give me the strength to keep going.”

Sometimes I couldn’t pray properly at all. I was exhausted, hungry, frightened, and emotionally broken. I didn’t understand why I was going through this. I didn’t understand why telling my family the truth had resulted in me losing my entire life.

But even when I couldn’t find the words, I still tried to hold onto God. And as strange as it may sound, somewhere inside me, I continued to believe that my life still had value. I was hopeless but a prevailing hope in God’s goodness remained in my heart throughout this experience.

CONNECTING WITH POSTURE SHIFT

When I finally connected with the Posture Shift Team, something changed. They didn’t treat me like I was a problem. They didn’t tell me that I needed to become someone else. They listened. 

The entire Posture Shift Team believed that my safety mattered.

They promised to quickly advance assistance to help get me off the streets and into a clean and safe hostel. After all that I had been through, merely hearing those words meant everything to me. It was a miracle! 

I was like a man lost in the desert who finally realizes the water is no longer just a mirage!

I had spent two weeks with no shelter wondering if anyone cared whether I lived or died. Then suddenly, the Posture Shift Team was urgently trying to get me somewhere safe.

Over the following weeks, Posture Shift helped me travel to a safer city and find a Christian hostel. This may seem so simple to everyone else, but what was most comforting to me that first night in the hostel is that I had a door I could close at night. Closing that door allowed me to feel safe and release so much fear and anxiety that I had been constantly carrying for weeks.

I had a bed. I had food. Delicious food. Fresh food. 

I had new friends at Posture Shift who I trusted. And it felt so secure that they knew where I was. I had friends in America who believed in Jesus, who knew everything about me, and they did not reject me in the most desperate season of my life.

I could finally sleep without wondering whether someone would attack me. Thank God!

ALL IN A MONTH

The biggest change in my life today is that I am no longer simply surviving. I am beginning to live. I am now in a safe Christian hostel and enrolled in university, where I will study engineering. 

Posture Shift not only had a vision to offer me rescue and refuge. They are giving me an entire future. I know that God has done all of this in His great love for me. He heard the cries in my heart!

Sometimes I look at my life now and think about the person who was sleeping on the streets, begging for coins and trying to escape all those threatening people.

It feels like two different lives. It feels like I have a new life! 

I went from being told by my own family that I was nobody to having people who remind me every day that my life has value. I went from having nowhere to sleep to having a safe Christian home with delicious meals. I went from being afraid of tomorrow to preparing for a future.

I am going to be an engineer, and I believe God will continue to give me a blessed life.

I still carry the trauma of what happened. I am still healing. Some memories are very painful.

But I have hope now.

And I believe God protected me when I was at my weakest. I believe He gave me the strength to run when I needed to run, the courage to keep going when I wanted to give up, and the right people at the right time when I had nowhere else to turn.